TOAST THEORY

Buttered Toast (Always Lands Butter-side Down)

Often compared to 'Murphy's Law' that states 'What can go wrong, will go wrong', but significant scientific studies have shown that, given most buttered toast is 'butter-up' when on the table, when pushed off the edge there is not enough time for a 360 degree rotation to occur before it hits the floor, and hence ends up butter-side down.

(see Robert A Matthew's Tumbling toast, Murphy's Law and the fundamental constants )

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The 5 Second Rule - If you can rescue your butter-side down toast from the floor within 5 seconds of landing you can eat it*

(*at toast eater's own risk!)

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Buttered-Toast-Cat Paradox

Given that a cat always lands on its feet and toast always lands butter-side down, a cat with butter-side up toast attached to its back will never touch the ground due to the competing imperatives of the buttered toast and the cat to always make contact with the floor. The toast-cat is forever suspended, rotating in perpetual motion. (Attributed to John Frazee, 1993).

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Schrödinger's Buttered-Toast-Cat Theorem

By extension, Toast-theory writers contend that, when a perpetually rotating buttered-toast-cat, that is attached to an energy harvesting device, is contained (device and all) in a box with requisite radio-activity detector and poison, that, on opening the box, either nothing will happen (dead cat, butter on floor) or a super massive amount of energy will be released destroying both cat, observer and many others who didn't even know that there was a box. Although the odds of nothing occurring are an even 1 in 2, it is still advisable not to open the box at all should you come across it. The practice (known as 'Schrödinger-cat-toasting' or 'SCatT-ing') has been banned in many countries, as the outcome for the cat in all eventualities is poor.

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